Author’s commentary
I loved writing this story, and I hope that is obvious. It was my first foray into Harry Potter fic, and I chose my favourite section of the fandom in which to write – the Snape and Harry gen fic fandom. I love these stories because while they can be full of clichés (my own included), they speak to a very basic aspect of Harry Potter that the books don’t touch on – Harry is a child without anyone to really play the role of parent. And we all want to give him one.
The idea for this story came to me randomly one day, and it came to me backwards. I had the idea of Harry signing first, because this would allow him to “say” things without people necessarily knowing what they mean. The big one being naming Snape, in a roundabout way, “father”. The inevitable climax is the discovery of the truth of Harry’s sign – both to Snape, and later when Harry finds out that Snape knows. So I had that. And it was such a compelling scene in my head that I knew I had to get them there. Oh, and right up behind that was a very vivid mental picture of the scene after Harry’s punishment at the hospital where he signs “I’m sorry” against Snape’s chest. The beginnings. So really I was working backwards.
Chapter 1:
You can definitely tell that this is the first chapter. It’s the shortest by far, and the shakiest. But everything’s got to start somewhere.
My favourite bit, and the point of this chapter (often these two things collide, you’ll discover) is the scene with Harry in the wardrobe. Yes, it’s incredibly unoriginal – but I really do think that for a child in Harry’s position, brought up in a cupboard – it would be very natural for him to hide in small spaces. It’s a place of safety. Plus this provides the opportunity for Snape to pull him out of his dissociation. It may not be 100% obvious to the reader, but as the author I know that Harry is sitting in that wardrobe, completely convinced in his mind that he is in his cupboard after some rough handling from Vernon. This is, sadly, easier for him to deal with than the attack. Vernon’s abuses are familiar. The cupboard is familiar. The idea that he could be hurt at Hogwart’s, the place he thought his haven, well that’s too much for him. So back to the familiar it is.
But Snape knows how to bring him out of it. I’m not a psychologist, but I do have a bit of familiarity with Snape and Harry’s pasts, and I think a lot of abused children probably dissociate to a degree. I think Snape is the kind of person who would have recognized it in himself eventually (and stopped as soon as he did), but he’s also the kind of person who would have read up on the phenomenon and know the most likely way to bring someone out of it.
Chapter 2:
Wherein both Snape and Harry are outed. To speak to a bit of criticism – yes, it’s rather incredibly rude and horrible of McGonagall to reveal Severus’ past like that, and probably wholly out of character. I hope you can forgive me, but it was necessary for Harry to find out about their common childhood troubles very quickly because in his child’s mind he is The Only One. And knowing that Snape must understand him to some degree goes a long way to getting Harry to warm to his teacher. Because we both know Snape isn’t going to tell him, and he isn’t going to warm to Harry first. No, he’s going to be worn down! :)
As for why Harry had “only” been hurt with the belt four times – I didn’t want to go overboard. The abused!Harry is already enough of a cliché, if I was going to step away from the canon of emotional abuse and neglect I didn’t want it to be a huge step. Plus, with a small number you can easily tie these incidents to Harry showing accidental magic.
Favourite bit: Snape depositing Harry on the hospital bed like a sack of potatoes. Totally unnecessary to the plot, but I like the tiny moments that show Harry is a *child* and a physically small one at that. Harry and Snape need to be reminded of this too. But ultimately they’re there because I think they’re adorable scenes :)
Chapter 3:
“Professor Snape had personal errands he needed to take care of.”
Heh. You all guessed very quickly what these “errands” were. Yes, this is when Snape goes to visit the Dursleys (whose name I always misspell!).
Oh, and the introduction of quill and parchment as a communication means for Harry. Many have asked why the wizarding world couldn’t find a more magical way for Harry to communicate, or at least have the quill read his thoughts or something, but a) where’s the fun in that? B) would you want a pen that wrote down all your thoughts for anyone to read?
Favourite bit: Harry’s reaction to Hermione trying to take his balm. Another peak at Harry’s mental state. My Harry is significantly less well-adjusted than the Harry of the books, obviously. He’s a bit feral yet, operating on instinct. He’s been living with Dudley all his life, his own example of interaction with other children until Hogwart’s. And he’s never ever had anything of his own before until Hogwart’s, and the balm, he feels, is uniquely his – unlike a Gryffindor scarf or even an owl.
Chapter 4:
It can’t go instantly smoothly, can it? Which is why I had Snape get so incredibly pissed off at the discovery of the empty balm jar. And of course he’s totally looking for an excuse to get angry with Harry so he doesn’t have to feel anything positive towards him.
“Pr'f'ser...please.”
I had Harry speak here because it was such an important moment. Plus it would totally get Snape to give him back the jar :)
Chapter 5:
Oh Chapter 5, my worst chapter. Because of The Big Mistake. Let’s just get this out of the way, shall we?
Thanking God, Merlin or whoever that he paid some attention to the spells Hermione knew, he cast a cleaning spell on his sheets.
Yes, that’s right. Harry, who cannot speak at the moment, somehow cast a cleaning charm. I have no idea how. Obviously I didn’t catch this HUGE continuity problem until someone pointed it out to me in a review. Ooops. I ought to fix it, and I will. Just as soon as I figure out how.
Moving right along...
"You're a cute little thing. Pretty even. It would be a tragedy to let that go to waste before we fix You-Know-Who's mistake."
Yes, there is definitely a sexual insinuation there. Just to up the creepy factor.
And of course Chapter 5 brings the introduction of signing.
Chapter 6:
He had not expected, however, for the boy to take a seat on the floor and tuck himself into a corner to read his book.
Harry sits on the floor here because he’s not allowed on the furniture at home. Or so I decided.
Once again an entire chapter written solely to get to the part where Snape carries Harry to bed. I am so transparent, lol.
Chapter 7:
Here Snape sees Harry at his most vulnerable and tries to help. It’s a bit of a revelation for both of them. And of course a major turning point.
He laid a long, thin finger against the trembling lips.
“That’s enough, Harry. Quiet now. Your uncle’s not here and it’s not necessary to apologize.”
Notice he’s a bit rubbish at comforting. But he tries. I believe this is the first time he calls him “Harry”.
Once he found the page he wanted, he turned and regarded Harry seriously, but not meanly, Harry thought; almost with concern. It was tough to place, not many people had ever looked at him like that before.
A little moment, but I’d say at this stage in Harry’s life, probably a true statement.
Chapter 8:
he pushed Harry’s chair in for him
I’m a big fan of the moments that show the very distinct adult/child relationship.
It was like the wary, shy Harry disappeared when he was doing magic.
This was my lame attempt at trying to reconcile my version of Harry and the canon version.
Chapter 9:
You're an upset little boy who is acting out to get attention.
Harry is not subtle. At *all*. This seemed like a perfectly logical way for a kid to try and get attention without really realizing he’s doing it.
Harry thought it was funny how Snape could manage to sound polite and scary all at the same time.
I really wish I had this talent.
And this is the chapter where Harry creates his sign for Snape. The impetus is Snape allowing him to stay a few nights, and teaching him a little lesson about asking for help.
Chapter 10:
I had a really hard time trying to figure out what Snape should do to the Dursleys. It was a tough call. I’m actually a little disappointed in what I ended up doing with that scene. Severus couldn’t go overboard, because that would get him into trouble, but I think I could have been more creative.
“I’m glad you think so Professor McGonagall, because I expect in the future when the boy is distraught enough to ask for me in the night you will escort him down to my quarters yourself.”
Severus cannot resist having the last word. And of course he has to make it really good.
Chapter 11:
“But why Harry? I mean, you’re in such a good mood, I thought you only needed to go there when you’re sc—upset.”
Hermione is playing the voice of the audience here. I didn’t want it to seem that the only time Harry and Snape interacted was when Harry was upset. Children go to their parents when they are giddy and excited about things and I wanted Harry to do that.
‘Sir whose room is it I stay in? I mean, it looks like it was someone’s once.’
And now Harry gets to be the voice of the audience. I created Luka as Snape’s godson because a) I wanted a bit of mystery, and clearly it worked from all the questions I got about who Luka was b) I wanted to give Snape a history with another child, a good relationship with a child.
If I’m going to force every adult around me to treat me like a 5 year old, why can’t I get . . . No! He wasn’t going to sthe tart missing something he had never had.
If he’s going to force everyone to treat him like a 5 year old why can’t he get the good parts? Why can’t he get the cuddles and hugs and protection? This thought pattern leads to him wanting to be picked up.
“Slippers next time, Harry.”
He can be mean and nasty; he was a death eater; he did not like children. But he pays attention to the fact that a child’s feet are bare and going to be cold. A little insight into the Real Snape, as I imagine him.
Chapter 12:
The Christmas chapter, important because it showed the passage of time. Plus it allows the set up of Harry’s gift of unquestioning obedience. That would be important later. It also allowed some interaction between Ron and Snape. It was important to me that they not be antagonistic.
I like that Snape is a little nervous here. I didn’t realize that he would be until I wrote it.
LIVE SANELY
An anagram of Lily Evans (with one extra E).
They were positively Dickensian.
I’ve always wanted to use that descriptive, and I’m glad I got the chance :)
Chapter 13:
Ah, the chapter that filled a plot hole. In Chapter 12 Snape gave Harry his password to his quarters. But Harry can’t speak the words can he? That thought woke me up at 2 am, and I started writing Chapter 13 the next day.
It turned out for the best, because I think there’s some good development in this chapter.
I had Harry hide under the Invisibility Cloak because it seemed very natural for him to do so. He was embarrassed and reacted much in the way a younger child does – trying to hide. He’s starting to get very attached to Snape, although he doesn’t recognize it.
He felt Snape stand and leave the room, and his heart sunk lower than his feet. What was wrong with him? It felt like he was 5 years old again, and Aunt Petunia had just tossed his blanket – the only reminder of his parents - in the rubbish.
And this is one of the little hints I’ve dropped at Harry acting younger than his actual age. He’s going through a separation anxiety of sorts here, panicking the way a toddler might when his mother leaves the room.
“Yes, that is true, but I’m not – they’re not – it’s just not the same, Potter!”
Mostly trying to convince himself of this fact. That there are huuuuuuuuuuuuge differences between his role in Harry’s life and how it would be if James and Lily were alive. Except for the fact that he’s wrong, of course. It’s very much the same.
Chapter 14:
Ah yes, the chapter where Snape carries Harry to bed in a new manner. I’ll admit that it’s somewhat cheesy, but I had the scene in my head from day one and I just couldn’t not include it. I did feel a bit weird about it though, and you can tell, because once again, Snape voices the doubt as well:
"You are far too old for this Harry."
It’s also a very obvious sign of their changing relationship, hence the little freak out Severus has about it.
It was a rather strange and sudden reminder of the fact that Harry was just a child.
Snape’s revelation/epiphany about Harry truly being just a little boy is both a catalyst for him to truly allow himself to take care of the boy, and a teeeeny note from myself as the author, reminding anyone reading who may take issue Harry behaving too young that he is still very young. I always felt he seemed a bit too old for his age in the earlier books.
Like it or not, Harry had turned to him, and if he wanted to prevent him becoming a Death Eater, or Merlin forbid, another Dark Lord, he had a job to do.
This is, of course, just a pathetic attempt to rationalize and excuse his behaviour to himself.
Chapter 15:
Ah, Dumbledore always has the best intentions, but they don’t often get the results he’s aiming for. But it’s a rather convenient excuse for Snape to play saviour, and to pick up Harry of his own accord, thus easing Harry’s embarrassment.
So he made two signs and hoped to be understood.
Harry is very much at the end of his tether here, and in his head he is thinking ‘Please can we just go home Daddy?’ But he would never ever admit it, even to himself.
Chapter 16:
I have to admit, probably my favourite chapter, and it was completely out of nowhere. None of this was anyway in my outline. I had Harry awake by the time Dumbledore got there because I liked the idea of Snape sitting on the sofa, still holding Harry and not saying anything, just offering comfort without making a big To-Do about it.
"Harold James Potter! That is ENOUGH!"
No there’s no basis in reality for the idea that Harry’s name is Harold, but it just comes across much better as a stern rebuke than ‘Harry’ would. So Harold it is.
Chapter 17:
With a big gulp, he opened his mouth. It was going to be a simple hello, but no sound came out.
It comes down to the basic fact that I needed for Harry to still be mute, and clearly his injury should be more than healed at this juncture in the story. So how could I keep him silent? Why accidental magic, of course! Which conveniently adds another emotional layer because of the Dursley’s previous reactions to Harry’s accidental magic.
How will Severus hold up his pants now that he’s banished all his belts (awww)? A fitting charm of course!
Chapter 18:
Moderating his tone just slightly, he moved from gentle to firm. It was not the authority of a teacher he needed to convey, that much he knew.
What I left unsaid here is that he was going for the tone of a father.
But what he saw on Harry's face was unmasked relief. Almost like he was glad.
And he was. Because it was one more way that Snape was acting as a parent, and Harry so desperately wants that, even if it means bedtimes.
Chapter 19:
He hadn’t put a lot of thought into the two signs that had come to represent the potions master. At the time he had just been so grateful, and so relieved, and just – warm. He didn’t have the word for it then, but now he thought that just maybe that was what being safe and protected felt like. For the first time in his life, a grown up was trying to help him, not hurt him. And suddenly everything was jumbled up in his head.
Because he never thought he’d want that protection. He thought he’d let go of that dream a very long time ago, that he was far too old to rely on anyone that way. Apparently he thought wrong, because not only did he not reject Snape’s efforts, he’d wanted them very, very badly.
Not to get too personal, but Harry’s thoughts here pretty much echo ones I was having at 12 and 13 myself. I very much wanted a father as a child (can you tell by the underlying theme of all my fanfic?), and my mother was great but I always felt something was missing. By 13 I had convinced myself (much in the way Harry has here) that I was too old for any of the things a father could give me – comfort, love, hugs, someone to go to when I was scared at night – I was too old for all of those things, so hey, obviously I wasn’t really missing out at all. And that’s the place Harry’s coming from.
But like me, Harry can only manage to convince himself of this when such things are absent. Once he has a father figure he laps up every bit of it. It’s a constant struggle inside him because he’s acting against everything he’s tried to be -- strong, independent, decidedly *not* needy.
He couldn’t look at Snape now without thinking the words, particularly the second.
“father”
Sometimes, sometimes he even thought the secret version of it
“Daddy”
Chapter 20:
The infamous hospital tour. I got many comments that the punishment Snape gives Harry was way too harsh. Perhaps. But remember, this is Snape we’re talking about. He’s not going to turn into a teddy bear suddenly. Plus he’s totally freaked out. Harry has scared him. What he says about not being able to survive it if something happened to Harry is completely true, and the Incendio incident revealed that.
This is also the chapter where I totally weirdly deviate from consistent verb tenses. Oops. Again, one of many things I may correct one day.
Chapter 21:
Oh man did I ever struggle with this one. What should the drawing be of? What should it say on the parchment? ARGH. I’m still not happy with it really, but it gets the point across.
Chapter 22:
Poor Severus, totally shocked, although he shouldn’t be. And I bet you all knew by this point that one of the signs for Snape would be ‘father’! Sometimes subtlety is over rated, lol.
Once again, Harry’s horror at the picture being found is a mirror to something that happened to me. A very very similar situation. Trust me, it’s mortifying! All this work to keep Harry mute has been to build up to the pay off at the end of this chapter when Harry speaks on his own.
Chapter 23:
“Well Harry, this is what fathers --” he was cut off by his own vivid memory of Lily, and the sacrifice she had made. “This is what parents do. They protect their children.”
Favourite part of the entire story, right there.
Chapter 24:
Up until the very last minute I couldn’t decide if Harry was going to go after Snape or not. But then I realized that this Harry would not be able to bring himself to disregard that little coupon, so he stayed where he was.
he was so distracted that he almost missed the broken, whispered question from the boy.
“Daddy?”
Oh this was hard. I was embarrassed *for* Harry when he said it, and i must have erased it and rewritten it a million times before finally deciding to keep it in. Because it wouldn’t be the right story if Harry didn’t say that one big word.
However it is quite common for abused children to temporarily regress in certain behaviours once they’ve found a secure environment. They don’t typically even realize they’re doing it, but they try to get the experiences they missed out on. Like being carried to bed,” Poppy relayed, and gave a pointed look along with her example.
Poppy, being the voice of many a psychology text and books about adopting abused children. Someone had to explain Harry without being too exposition-y.Chapter 25:
To clarify, Severus is seeking out guardianship. Not adoption. One step at a time.
The final chapter. It was weird to finally reach the end of this story. I’ve grown very attached to it, and don’t quite feel ready to let go. Likely why I decided to write this “commentary”.
Thank you all again for reading. And yes, there will be a sequel. Eventually.